Are you and casual sex a good fit right now?
Updated: Nov 19, 2021
Considering casual sex? This isn’t about the ethics of casual sex — it’s about making choices with your eyes wide open.
Why are you so horny? Your hormones may be screaming and a hot passionate romp may be what you *think* you need. But if you’ve recently gone through a period of stress — i.e., you were cheated on, or your marriage or serious relationship collapsed — your sexual desire might be fueled by a need for validation, love, and /or attention. Be as clear and honest with yourself as possible so that you don’t end up feeling used, hurt, or just plain worse about yourself and your current life situation.
Do you think you’re fantastic – even if he doesn’t? Your lover isn’t going to stick around to find out how fantastic you are as a whole. So it’s important that YOU believe you’re fantastic, that YOU have a strong self of self-worth, regardless of what he may or may not think.
If you imagine yourself in the aftermath of sex, trying to prove yourself, impress him, or validating who you are and why you made this choice, you either need to reconfigure your thinking before proceeding, or reconsider getting naked altogether. In order for casual sex to be a positive and fulfilling experience you need to own your body and own your choices – your sense of self can’t hinge on his perception or impression of you.
Can you shrug off rejection? After your encounter, it’s possible her manners will fly out the window and she’ll ignore your text messages, phone calls, and maybe even you, in person, if you run into her in public. You may even witness her working her charms on another guy. Whatever the scenario, her behaviour may feel like rejection – a blow to your heart or ego – even though officially, she doesn’t owe you anything. To come out of casual sex unscathed, you need to embrace and honour it for what it: sex, intimacy, touch, passion, thrill – IN THE MOMENT. Understand that once she hits the door, any dangling strings need to be cut.
Have you the courage to say, “This is just sex”? You need to be able to both say and hear, “This is just sex,” or something that defines it as temporary and nothing more. It’s much easier – and respectful – to whisper, “This is just for tonight,” as you pin her against the wall in a passionate kiss, than to be barraged with her text messages and potential drama in the upcoming weeks. Your night together won’t even if feel worth it if it trails off with feelings of guilt, annoyance or hurt.
Do you promise to have protected sex? I don’t care if he says he hasn’t had sex in three years. I don’t care if she speaks and dresses like a nun. The bottom line is that you don’t know what – or whom – she does with her time. And now is not the time to be overly-trusting, sloppy, or stupid.
Like it or not, people lie – especially when it comes to (getting) sex. So put safety first and promise yourself to only have protected sex. You don’t need the worry, fear, or potential lifetime disease.
What crosses the line as too casual for you? The idea of a one-nighter may turn you off, be it through a pick-up, hook-up or a two o-clock shuffle. A short-term sexual relationship or friend with benefits however, may seem more appealing by offering more friendship, time, and sense of intimacy.
But don’t delude yourself into thinking that any of these scenarios are a gateway to something more. The agent which binds and fuels your relationship is sex, sex and only sex. Be honest with yourself about how you feel, what you can handle, and don’t be afraid to assess, reassesses, and even change your mind about what you want. Remember, casual sex is not meant as a ‘forever’ kind of thing, but as a temporary phase or distraction – it’s okay to decide you want something (or someone) different.